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Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people