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Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.