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Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together