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My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
