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SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this