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My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.