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If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe