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I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Ugh
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.