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Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
If you know, you know
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets