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Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs