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People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Sooo many times…..
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
thanks auntie mary
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?