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Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.