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Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people