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I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
What do you text your spouse?
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
📽️movie date🎞️
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.