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just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Important
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.