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“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Dishonest mechanic?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Mad Max: Furry Road
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.