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Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*