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The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao