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I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
i hate you platonically
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
True
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )