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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.