You Might Also Like
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
(more comics:
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.