You Might Also Like
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
whenever i wake up before my alarm
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.