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Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great