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I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
My work here is done
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.