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Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?