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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery