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[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.