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I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her