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*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10