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Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Ummm 😳
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.