You Might Also Like
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Not today
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Cake safety first. Always.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?