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A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
kids play hide and seek like
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.