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Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]