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they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me