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North and South
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…