You Might Also Like
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”