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“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.