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On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I cannot stop laughing at this
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I think this cat is broken
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
The three genders.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night