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Today’s weather from Yorkshire
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My birthstone is pecan pie.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
knights of the ikea table
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.