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My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting