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Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.