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inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
The internet is full of many things
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.