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[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
and this one
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.