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i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Writing, She Murdered.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Catering service
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.