You Might Also Like
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.