Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

This made me chuckle.

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

Just say no

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food

seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*