Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

that lip filler tho

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware

My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

Hmm 🧐

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley