Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

Netflix: We have Less

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die