Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

Finally, a door that understands me

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”