Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower

10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is

This is painfully accurate 😅

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.

*looks at phone to check the time

*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

This meal prepping shit is easy

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.