Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

My sex drive has a dui

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

😂

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.