Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.