[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
You Might Also Like
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Bill is short for Billiam
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…