Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

*seductively eats two tums*

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.