Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

Snapes on a plane.

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.

– Did we have snakes?

– Oh yes, thousands of em.

– I’ve never seen any sn…

– THOUSANDS!

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.