8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
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I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Does your wife know you’re single?
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.