9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
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Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”