8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
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What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
good for her
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
My age is news to me every single time I remember
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.