8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
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Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too