Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

time machine? you mean a clock?

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

those birds must be on payroll

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

*writing dating profile*

Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…

Friend: Oh strong start

Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…

Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing

Me: …bitter and makes you poop…

Friend: *unplugging my wifi*

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.