8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
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me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money