Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

Do one thing every day that scares people.

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?

Me: Who?

17: Scooper.

Me: Again, who?

17: Landlord’s son.

Me: COOPER?!

17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”