Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork