Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

🇺🇸🤭

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls