Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

girls literally only want one thing..

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do