Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

#Caturday

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right