Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

If your girl is always telling you, ‘Terrain! Terrain! Pull up!’ That’s not your girl. That’s the ground proximity warning system.

sin harder.

😂😂

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

witch 1: i can’t find my broom

witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.