8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
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As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one