8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
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“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Camping tip: No.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt