Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: Are you winking or blinking?

Cyclops: I do not know.

Me: how are you

Friday: good

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

Drive like no one is watching.

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.

They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

me making someone eat a chip with my mind

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again

Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there