Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

I was up all night reading about insomnia

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

*pronounces surface like Versace*