8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
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I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
multitasking lunch
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?