8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
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I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.