8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
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DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes