8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
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Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
become ungovernable
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
sometimes we need to be reminded
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.