Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”

When you stub your toe but there are kids around.

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous

me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so

Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵

Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.