8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
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The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Customer is always right
