Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

Date: describe yourself to me in three words

Me:

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.

Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”

Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.

every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

Kids are like mosquitoes…

…when they stop making a noise, start worrying