Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

I’m giving up for Lent.

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”