Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?

Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

That stupid look on my face, is my face

if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

why does this building look like a guilty dog