Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

Yeah. This was me today.

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

ㅤ

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

[McDonald’s interview]

Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working

Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*

Sorry it’s out of order

Interviewer: when can you start?

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude