Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!

Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Holy moly

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*