8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
You Might Also Like
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
you stereotypes are all alike
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down