8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
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Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
this country is so goddamn polarized
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous